When people ask me what I wish for the most, I answer with getting in to medical school, or to see the world. That is a lie. What I wish for the most, is to remember what it's like to be healthy - to have another day without pain - because I've forgotten what that feels like.
I have had daily pain since August of 2011. I had had three amazing months of no medicine and no pain. Up until then, I hadn't gone more than a day or two without pain, vomiting, or diarrhea. I look at my life, and I realize that I've spent about half of my life in pain. That's no way to live a life.
My greatest wish:
To be able to exercise more than ten minutes without terrible pain that I have to push through or diarrhea.
To be able to sleep through the night without waking up because the pain is too great or because I urgently need to use the restroom.
To be able to walk without the up-and-down movement causing me abdominal pain.
To not be tired all the time.
To be able to eat all the popcorn I want, without bloody diarrhea.
To not have daily headaches and joint pain.
I look at my list of what I wish for most, and I don't feel like they are outrageous requests. I see my peers running around and laughing and putting anything into their bodies without needing to worry about how that'll feel when digesting, and all I want is to have a day of remembrance, of what it's like to be digestively normal. Being diagnosed when I was ten means there was a lot I didn't get to experience "normally." I never regret having Crohn's disease. I'm so fortunate for everything it's given me, but I wish that living with it didn't have to be so hard. I want to hang out with friends and have fun, but I have such a hard time doing homework for long periods of time because of pain can be so disrupting, that I have no extra time.
These last few months have been incredibly painful for me emotionally. I stopped responding to my medication. Most people wouldn't think that's a big deal, which normally it isn't, but I've stopped responding to all the medications out there. I thought I could control my disease with a strict diet and lifestyle (which consists of me doing nothing), but even by not having a life, I'm still stuck with the relentless pain. People look at me and don't realize what I have to deal with every minute of every day, but I get so tired of it.
All I ask for, is a day without pain.
These last few months have been incredibly painful for me emotionally. I stopped responding to my medication. Most people wouldn't think that's a big deal, which normally it isn't, but I've stopped responding to all the medications out there. I thought I could control my disease with a strict diet and lifestyle (which consists of me doing nothing), but even by not having a life, I'm still stuck with the relentless pain. People look at me and don't realize what I have to deal with every minute of every day, but I get so tired of it.
All I ask for, is a day without pain.
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