Accepting Your Disease

Accepting the fact that you have a chronic disease is a hard pill to swallow, especially when that pill causes unendurable pain and sadness. Although I was diagnosed almost 10 years ago with Crohn's disease, I still find myself getting very angry or depressed, especially during times of flares.

I've always tried to see the positive side of IBD; my best friends were met through Camp Oasis or other IBD conferences, I've discovered my passion for the medicinal field, and I've become a stronger person because I have needed to deal with a terrible chronic illness since I was a child. However, that doesn't mean I'm always super ecstatic that I have this disease that's attacking my digestive system.

The most difficult times for me have been when I haven't been able to eat what I want, or had to completely sit out of something because I couldn't push myself any farther. Today, with health care such a hot topic, I worry about being able to fulfill my dreams because I will need to find a way to pay for expensive healthcare, and the rising cost of medical bills. I see other people not needing to worry about what they do to their bodies, and I wish that I could have just a few less worries in my life.

Every once in awhile I hit this roadblock, in which I see my entire future before my eyes, painful day after painful day. I'll never be able to eat without worrying about whether or not I've just given myself some extra hours of pain. I see a life in which I will be worried about passing on my Crohn's to my children; in which case I would feel so incredibly guilty for causing them the same pain and suffering I go through on a daily basis.
There are so many points in my life where I have cried and cried, thinking that life cannot possibly be fair. Why was I chosen for this disease? What did I do to deserve this?

Recently, I have learned that realized that things happen for a reason. I may not like the fact that I can't always do the things I want, but I pray and ask God for the patience to understand that life is not meant to always go the way I want. I've also definitely learned to slow life down. I do not need to get the best grade on every test, be the fastest, be in the most activities.

All I need to be... is me.

Crohn's disease, although it does not define me, is such an integral part of my being. I am who I am because I have had tribulations. I think the way I do because I know what it's like to be picked on because  my medications have made me fat or slow. I know what it's like to feel all alone. Crohn's disease has made me empathetic to those who suffer and it makes me so happy to be able to help other people. Although I still have many hurdles on my road to acceptance, I know that I am okay with who I am, and that has brought me closer to my goal.