The Chronic-ness of Disease

It's been way too long since I last posted; as such, you all get to hear about all of the fun musings I've had.

Lately, I have been struck by the chronic-ness of my disease (now you all understand the title of my post!). After 10.5 years, Crohn's should just be a part of my normal. Yet it continuously throws me out of balance.

Some of you may remember my excitement at the end of 2013. For the first, I achieved remission without surgery. I was exercising, eating well, and it seemed like nothing could stop me.

Then Crohn's left me with the reality check. My family and I were so excited about me going to Jamaica. For once, my disease wasn't dictating my life. We made these plans almost a year in advance and stuck to them. It was a great feeling knowing that I didn't have to give something up later on just because my Crohn's decided to be a little shit.

During Jamaica, Crohn's decided I was forgetting what it was like to be sick and I ended up taking way more vicodin in Jamaica than I had in the last 6 months. But that was nothing to what this first month home has been like. I'm starting to get used to pain again. I can ignore the stabbing pains and found out today that I can even give a pretty good speech when all I want to do is curl in a ball while the doctors push all the pain medications into an IV.

Crohn's is not a disease. It is a way of life.

For the last months of 2013, I forgot that. Crohn's was seeming like a disease I just happened to have, but not something that actually affected my life. Now, I'm needing to remember how to deal with having a chronic illness. I need to cancel plans because the pain is too great, I need to watch what I eat, I need to be careful when I exercise to not push myself too hard.

Time to get out of my pity party. Crohn's is going to be a part of my life forever and there will be better times. I need to just remind myself when times are tough that eventually they will be good again.

A Second Chance

Over the last ten and a half years I have struggled with my disease both physically and emotionally. When doctors heard that I was "only" having 3-6 bouts of diarrhea, they got so excited about how "well" I was. In my teens, was I already doomed to always being worried about where the closest bathroom was? For the rest of my life, would I need to carry around a spare change of clothes for those unavoidable accidents?

In October of 2012, I entered in a clinical study. At first, I was a non-responder and I was getting rashes after some injections. It seemed as though once again, a drug was unable to bring me into a complete remission.

In 2013, I began to run. The beginning was excruciating and I wanted to give up so many times. But I stuck with it. Several months later, I was able to run more than a few miles. Normally I'd go to the bathroom a few times per run, but I was doing it - I was fighting my disease.

As it got colder, I realized I needed to start running inside. I dreaded that first run - I love being able to take different paths and being outside. Running on a treadmill has allowed me to hold myself to the speed I want to be running. In the last two weeks, I have taken about two and a half minutes off my mile time. It seems as though I will be able to reach my next goal.

This next summer, I want to run a marathon. But I don't just want to run a marathon; I want it to really mean something - I want to be able to run it in under four hours. This seemed like an impossible feat. However, I have been pushing myself to achieve this goal.

I look at how far I have come in this last year. Through diet and exercise, I am making and achieving goals I once only dreamed about.

For the first time, I would consider myself in a real remission, not just a I'm-doing-better remission, but an I-got-my-life-back kind of remission. I'm planning on taking my spare clothes out of my backpack and no longer needing to scope out the bathroom situation.

The clinical study and my new lifestyle have given me a second chance at having a real life. Not everyone is given this opportunity and I don't plan on wasting it.

Crohn's and Colitis Awareness Week

Considering it's Crohn's and Colitis Awareness Week, I thought it'd be appropriate to finally write another post.

Things are going really well for me - my last colonoscopy showed only mild-moderate ulceration in my neo-terminal ileum and some moderate ulceration at my anastomosis. It was probably my best colonoscopy discluding the one performed shortly after my surgery three years ago.

I know I should be very grateful to have such a good colonoscopy, but the only reason I had one was because I was having 10-12 loose stools a day. My doctor ruled that as caused by some bug, but we said that it was sketchy that I have such up and down periods of symptoms.

Now that I know my intestines look well, I'd like to make it my goal to reduce symptoms. I want to stop running fevers and having diarrhea and having pain. Maybe that means finding the right amount of exercise and diet.

I think maintenance is extremely difficult. On one hand, doing certain exercises and eating completely healthy would probably mean a lessening of symptoms, but I was miserable eating only rabbit food. As well, I like to push myself - even though that means some workouts will end early because I'm in pain.

A patient advocate told me about a woman who was diagnosed with Crohn's disease in the '60's. She said that if she avoided everything that ever caused her pain, there would be nothing to eat or do. Sometimes, she eats things that she knows is going to cause her pain, but that's because she wants to live.

That's about where I am. It's time to start figuring out how many symptoms I am willing to live with and what kind of lifestyle that keeps me happy will put me there. Although being symptom-free would be my ultimate goal, it looks like we're not quite there.

Happy Awareness Week everyone! Hopefully we all can find the happy medium of living our lives with minimal symptoms.

The Fall

Sometimes life really sucks.

It's so difficult to go from the high of completing an awesome goal of running the half-marathon to not even being able to run two miles. This morning I made myself go for a run although I wasn't feeling well because I told myself that I was never going to let myself give up just because of my Crohn's. By 1.5 miles, I was having bloody diarrhea outside, throwing up, and bent in pain.

I've switched to a soft/liquid diet because it hurts so much to go to the bathroom that I'm scared to eat solid foods because I know what's going to happen once it goes through my intestines. Over the last week, the fewest times I've gone poop in a day is 10 times.

School bathrooms suck. It's so awkward having Crohn's issues when there's a person in the stall next to you and two girls gossiping just outside your door. I always laugh a little, wondering what they would think if they knew what was going on just a few feet from them.

Next week is my next study appointment. Honestly, I have no idea what's going to come from it. Obviously I've been getting worse, but I'm supposed to be studying abroad in Jamaica next January - all I really need to do is survive until then. Switching medications could be a huge blessing - or I could get a lot worse. There's also the possibility of just doing a liquid diet until the end of January so I can just push through, but I don't know if the doctor will go for that.

How do you decide when you know that either choice could be really awesome, or lead down an even worse path?

Defying my Limitations

Veni

Cucurri

Vici

I came

I ran

I conquered

Today, I reached my first major goal in running. I ran 13.1 miles. They were slow; they were tough; but they have been completed for the first time.

My initial goal for the day was 11 miles. Normally when I go for a run, I look at how far I'd like to go, the pace I'm hoping to go, and then head out for my usual trail. Today, I took to heart what one of my friends said, "When you have good running shoes, every run is an adventure." There was no way I was going to stick to the same trails that I always use. My run today was absolutely gorgeous - I discovered new trails in the words and spent a couple hours running through beautiful fall trees.

There are no words to truly describe how I felt after meeting this goals - sore, tired, and worn out come to mind, but there was more to it than that. There was satisfaction in knowing that I didn't give up after poop #1 or #2. There was relief knowing that my Crohn's can't keep me down forever. There was pride in knowing that I have pushed my body farther than many people thought possible.

My new favorite quote reads: "Know your limitations. Then defy them."

I've always told myself that nothing was worth doing that would make my Crohn's give me a tough time. Then, I started running. There was no way I was going to stop running whenever I had abdominal pain; I never would have made it past two miles. This journey has taught me that I don't have to stop doing what I love just because Crohn's is yelling at me.

Sure, my time sucked, but I look at this first half-marathon distance as the starting point for me to become a much better runner. I have so much to work on - and that's very exciting for me.

I look forward to getting my half-marathon time under two hours.

I look forward to being able to run a marathon.

Most of all, I look forward to defying my Crohn's every time I wake up and put my running shoes on.

An Unhealthy Relationship

Most of the time, I have a pretty good relationship with my Crohn's. We have fun together - we go out on dates to CCFA events, go to camp together, and we have lots of great inside jokes about my digestion. On the surface, it seems like we belong together.

However, things are not what they seem in the private aspects of our relationship. Crohn's can be very abusive - from the gut-wrenching pain to the early morning vomiting - Crohn's doesn't like to leave me be for very long.

But after a day of beating me up, Crohn's always apologizes. I get to talk with my awesome boyfriend who I met through Crohn's or I get to hang out with some Crohnies. I can never really be mad at Crohn's because I see all of the things that it has brought me.

Some weeks, however, it takes all of my strength of will to not want to break up with my disease. Days like today, where it holds me back from completing my running goal. The days where I can't walk because I'm in so much pain.

Some days, Crohn's is just a huge pain in my ass. It won't let me sit for long periods of time. 

And don't get me started on the abuse it wreaks on me when I have to go to the bathroom! When I have poop running through my intestines, Crohn's gets really mad and starts to become abusive again. It's getting to the point where I'm scared to eat because I know Crohn's isn't going to like me going out and putting that stuff inside of me.

Lately, my runs have been testing our relationship. At first, Crohn's didn't like them, but after months of begging and pleading for Crohn's to understand the importance of running, it decided to let me reach for my goals. Nowadays, Crohn's isn't being so supportive. It's a bit jealous about the time I'm putting into my runs and has decided to start complaining whenever I head out. 

It's not a healthy relationship - but it looks like we're in this for the long haul.

Beating the Crohn's

Starting to run was probably the hardest thing I ever did. I got sick all the time and felt like Crohn's was laughing at me the entire way - telling me that I was never going to be able to run like everyone else. All the times I pooped my pants or had to squat next to a tree, hoping that no one would run by and see, seemed as though running was going to be a continuous reminder that my intestines hate me.

The last two days have started me on a race that no longer allows Crohn's to hold me back. For the first time ever, I have not needed to race to find a suitable place to poop for more than one run in a row. Running actually felt good. 

There was no pain, no regret, no wanting to give up.

There was just the trail and myself.

Crohn's doesn't have to be a pain in the butt when in comes to running. Yes, it has taken me nine months of experimenting with different food and pushing myself to the point of throwing up, but I will beat Crohn's, and it is never going to take me down the road of wanting to give up.

 

The challenge for everyone else is simple:

Don't give up on your dreams. No matter how big, small, or seemingly impossible. You can and will, eventually, complete them. Who cares if it takes a few years? All that matters is that nothing can stop you from being everything you want.