Between a flare and remission

I know it's been awhile since I've written, but I've been trying to get back into a routine with new classes, work schedule, etc.

It's always difficult to know how I should be feeling, and whether or not I should be satisfied with how I'm feeling. Since I've been trying to eat healthier, I go to the bathroom less and I have less pain, but I am nowhere near being symptom free. Sometimes I have random Crohn's pains or I feel sick to my stomach.

Remembering where I was even two months ago, I want to say that I'm in a remission. I feel so much better than I did. However, I have those times where I spend 10 minutes in the bathroom, or I have an attack, and it makes me feel that I should be doing something so I don't have them anymore. At my last appointment, I had had very few symptoms in the last couple days, and my nurse was visibly relieved. We had been talking about what I could do to feel better and she had said there really weren't any other options.

Because there's really no other options (either a new clinical trial or surgery), am I stuck at a semi-remission being a full remission for me? When things are bad I remember that there are other people out there who have it worse than me. Some people have several surgeries right after another. Others can't work or eat through a feeding tube. Then I look at other people who can go out and do whatever they want because they have no symptoms. When you're in the middle, are you a complainer for wanting to have less symptoms?

I've personally decided to stop trying to find some magical cure. I was feeling better Crohn's-wise on the Diet Evolution, but I was mentally unsettled by only eating salads for every meal. I have backed off from unhealthy foods, but I allow myself to eat something "unhealthy" (a cookie or piece of bread) every day or so because I'm not a rabbit.

Maybe I should be grateful that I'm able to go about my daily life, but it'd be nice to have a less personal relationship with all of the college bathrooms.

Mentality

I'm really trying to write one post a week, but we'll see how this goes!

One thing that has been really difficult for me lately is trying to figure out what kind of mentality I'm supposed to have regarding Crohn's disease. My "growing up" with this disease revolved around a doctor who believed I should feel as though I didn't have a disease. She always wanted me to call her if I was sick for more than a few days and had ruled out a cold or the flu. Then, we would switch around doses and hope that that was enough to make me feel better. My first couple years, I was constantly fiddling around with medication because my doctor believed that a remission meant I could go weeks without a single symptom.

Over time, I've realized that I may never become symptom-free. I'm so tired of constantly switching medications and trying out new things. However, I now wonder at what point I'm supposed to become satisfied. I realize that most Crohnies live with an almost everyday, symptomatic disease, but how many symptoms are too much?

Unfortunately, I still want to be completely healthy. I want to wake up and not be nauseous, or have formed stool when I poop. I don't know if I'm supposed to accept the fact that I'm going to always have pain and run the risk of accidents occurring, or if I'm supposed to fight to feel better. We're all hoping that this diet tips me into the realm of feeling better all the time, but it's hard to imagine what that's like after ten years of constant pain and diarrhea.

I know I can take pain and I can deal with all of the symptoms, but I really don't want to. It seems like there may be no other choice, but that doesn't seem like any real way to live.

All I can say is that I hope this diet works, and I hope that I stop craving ice cream.

What to do when medicine fails

Hey everyone! January flew by. J-term has ended and I am currently relaxing at home, about ready to fill out a facilitator training application so I can run an official CCFA support group. Crazy stuff.

I've definitely learned that one needs time for relaxation. Lately I've been so worried about getting everything done for the NCCL (national council of collegiate leaders) and the support group on campus and school work, that I haven't taken a lot of time for myself.

My Crohn's has seen the need to show itself again. I find myself running to the bathroom and lying awake at night because the pain makes it difficult to fall asleep. I felt so well after starting this clinical trial - I don't understand why all my syptoms are coming back. After calling Mayo because I was running a temperature, they talked about the possibility of hospitalizing me. I don't about other organic chemistry students, but I don't have the time to sit around in the hospital trying to get better.

So what do I do?

I've never understood why medications don't work for me that work for countless other people. Maybe I have a really strange form of IBD. I can eat raw vegetables, but cooked ones won't be digested. It's as though my body feels the need to be unique.

The only thing it seems like I can do now is rely on natural treatments and diet. I had given up on the no grain, no dairy, no sugar, no fruit diet because I felt so depressed eating on it, but it seems like that's my best shot. For Lent, it looks like that will be my devotion - trying to get healthy again.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to  have a normal digestive tract. Food would be fantastic, but I would probably weigh 50 pounds more. I would be able to sleep more, but I would probably get less done because I'd be sleeping.

I never was a believer in holistic type things or diets - they always seemed like a bit of hogwash. Maybe in a month or two from now I will actually reach remission, and I will be able to tell everyone that diet is what put my severe Crohn's in remission - not the fancy medicines that my brilliant doctor said would make me feel better.

Winter Blues

I don't know about everyone else, but I definitely get hit with the winter blues. Between the cold, the lack of sunlight, or the lack of really being able to do anything, I always get a sense of futility during the winter. It's almost like a mini-flare. I can't go outside to play, I can't run around, and I really don't want to go places (although now it's because -35 is just too cold to go for a walk in).

Right now I've especially been getting hit with the blues. Because it's so cold, my intestines feel like they're cramping up when I go outside. As well, I'm really hating my diet - I'm not a rabbit, so why would I constantly want to be eating leafy things? However, when I eat something that's not on my diet, my stomach grumbles at me. This morning I had grapes for breakfast, which earned me some quality time in the first floor bathroom in the library.

As great the opportunities have been through my disease, I definitely am feeling the hopelessness that sometimes comes along with chronic diseases. With the clinical trial, I was hoping that I would finally feel good, but I'm tired all the time, even after eight hours of sleep.

I'm not one to bemoan my disease, so I'm trying to think of a way out of these winter blues. There's a support group meeting coming up this thursday, so I'm thinking quality time with the Crohnies will be beneficial. This year I've realized that I've been immersing myself more within the IBD community - between the support group, national council, and just spending more time with the Crohnies on campus.

I think that is a good way to stay away from those sad feelings. Don't try to pretend the disease doesn't exist, but embrace it, and see all of the good aspects that come from it. Although I have to admit, that's not always the easiest thing to do. Some of the Crohnies on campus see the psychologist at school regularly. I've heard that over 90% of people with IBD are depressed - maybe we should all make a committment to finding someone we can talk to about our problems. They're too difficult to live with on your own. Just the other day I had my first accident of the school year. Right afterwards, I texted my Crohnies and we bashed IBD and made poop jokes and then ended up reminiscing about great times at camp. I know I wouldn't be able to do this without them.

I guess that would be my advice right now - talk it out. It's totally cliche, but the burden becomes easier to bear when you share it.

Being an Advocate

What a busy January! I'm finally back into the swing of things after the council trip to Philadelphia. So far, being on the National Youth Leadership Council - or whatever it's now or will be called - has been a great experience. All two weeks of it. I'm learning a lot about what's going on in IBD in the other parts of the U.S., especially with research. Hopefully in the next few years we'll be treated more specifically on the pathways that are being blocked by the mutant genes we have. The Children's Hospital of Philadelphia is also going to be looking into what is the "perfect" bacterial state of a healthy gut, and hopefully determine what kind of diet would help a Crohnie reach the same levels of bacteria.

Although it's scary thinking that I'll be working with entirely new branches of CCFA, it's really exciting. If all works well, I'll be able to work with Crohnies from the University of Minnesota to reach an even wider audience than St. Olaf and the Northfield community.

The rate of IBD is increasing - probably a mix of better diagnosis and whatever environmental cause. However, people still aren't understanding our disease. One of the leaders of the council explained how her professor wouldn't allow her to take a test later even though she had spent the night in the hospital. Things will only get better if we go out and educate people about our disease. I know poop isn't the most glamorous thing, but we all do it. If you don't spread the word, how can you expect others to understand what your needs are?

For more advice/information on living with IBD in college, you can like Campus Connection on facebook, or go to the National Youth Leadership Council webpage on CCFA. If you type those in google search bar, it should pop up. In the next year we'll be revamping the webpage to have more information and better access to all the links/templates provided on the CCFA webpage. Also, we'll hopefully have programs that will help you spread the word about IBD on your campus. The next couple years should bring about a new understanding of this disease, and I'm very excited that we all get to be a part of this.

New Year's Resolutions

This year, I decided that my health would be top priority when picking out a New Year's Resolution.

When I went home, there was many Christmas cookies and family parties filled with forbidden foods. It was incredibly difficult, but I stayed away from foods I shouldn't eat during my families' Christmas parties; however, I cheated a lot at home by eating most of our Christmas cookies. I realized that it was a lot easier to stick to my diet when I was being held accountable by other people. I'm not always going to be around people, so my first New Year's resolution is to stick to the diet! I will allow myself to eat one piece of my dove dark chocolate (what girl can honestly give up chocolate??) now and again, but that is going to be the extent of my cheating. As great as some of the no-no foods taste, I've realized that I enjoy being healthy so much more.

My second resolution is a bit more ambiguous. I just want to live a healthier lifestyle. I'm going to go to the gym, do yoga, sleep more... and feel good about myself! This is going to be the year that I finally achieve remission status; I can feel it.

I want to challenge other people out there - not just Crohnies - to really evaluate your health. I'm not going to go all health nut on you because I always hated when people did that to me, but there's so many bad things in the food we eat today, and we put all that junk into our bodies. You don't have to have such a strict diet, but anything processed is bound to be really hard on your system. Instead of popping a tums or something to stop diarrhea, figure out what food is causing you problems, and stop eating it.

Eating healthy can be easy, even at college. Yesterday I e-mailed the guy in charge of our kitchen and told him what's going on. He had me meet with the head chefs and I now have all their numbers and text them what I want to eat a half hour before I go to eat. Today I got sauteed spinach and fish. It was so delicious. I won't be using it all the time, but it's nice to have variety. Plus, they said they have shrimp; I know which girl will be asking for that every week (haha).

To end this post, I want everyone to think about one thing they can change about their lifestyle (eating, exercise, etc.) that would make a positive impact on their life, and go for it!

Following the Diet

After receiving e-mails about the diet, I figured I should share what I'm doing and how it's been working for me.

I knew that completely cutting out processed foods and carbs was going to be extremely difficult. I don't eat poorly, but I was never a super healthy eater. I did some research about diets and found out that sugar can actually mess with our brains the exact same way as drugs do. If you take it out cold turkey, you will most likely have withdrawal symptoms and crave it so much that you have to eat sugar again. I decided to start the diet slowly.

I always (unless there weren't any good options) took a dessert after lunch and supper. First off, I cut that out. At first, I really wanted a peanut butter cookie or a piece of chocolate cake, but after a week, I decided to have one, and I didn't even want one. I no longer think about taking a dessert because I just don't want it anymore.

Then, I realized that I ate a lot of bread. When I didn't know what I wanted, I would make a sandwich. Instead of doing that, I would make a quesadilla. It still has grain, but not as much. Once I stopped craving sandwiches, I started making sure I took a salad, piece of meat, and possibly fruit (which isn't on the diet, but I wanted to get into eating healthy).

Throughout this time, I'd stopped drinking milk for every meal. I made sure I drank a glass of water in line for the drinks and then got a second; this is based on other diet articles I read. Water helps clear out our intestines. I stopped putting cheese on my quesadillas and salads and no longer took cottage cheese.

Now, when I crave potato chips or something salty and unhealthy, I eat almonds. I've been doing this long enough that I actually crave almonds over chips. I make sure I eat a small salad with every meal.

I've made myself the goal that by the new year, I will be 100% on this diet. It will have taken me about a month to make the transition, but I don't mind that it took a long time. Having the goal has allowed me to eat a cookie when I want one without feeling guilty, but I'm also working on only eating these foods. It's not difficult, and I feel so much healthier.

 

I will keep you all updated on how the diet is going and whether I feel better. I never believed a diet would work, but we'll see!

 

Merry Christmas!